Audio Transcript

It’s been almost three years since our last episode on dating, Pastor John. You’ve briefly mentioned dating in a couple of episodes since, but there have been no episodes devoted to the topic for a long time — our longest drought ever for such a major theme on the podcast, which you can begin to appreciate by scanning my digest of all those many episodes in the APJ book. I titled that section “On Dating, Romance Idols, and Fornication” (pages 141–65). Much has been said already, but not everything — no. Because you all surprise us with great questions, like this one today: Can a single pastor date within his local church? Should he? Why wouldn’t he?

Here’s the email: “Pastor John, hello! I’m a 23-year-old pastoral intern and MDiv student preparing to enter full-time pastoral ministry soon, sooner than I expected. I’m a single man and find it challenging to date while being on this pastoral track. First, I find many young women intimidated by the stereotypes of the pastor’s wife — stewarding a meager income, maintaining a pristine public image, and ministering to the women in the church. All lofty callings. Second, due to the busy amount of work and school, I meet very few women outside my church. Third, I hesitate to date inside my church, due to my position on the pastoral team. What’s your advice for someone in my situation? Is it appropriate for pastors to use dating apps? And if this is even remotely possible, how would a pastor wisely date within his own church? The closer I get to becoming a pastor, the smaller the possibility of marriage appears to me. Your wisdom and encouragement would be greatly appreciated.”

Well, I’m just smiling here, because I think 95 percent of our listeners are not in this category of being a pastor (or almost a pastor) who would like help in finding a wife, but I’m betting 90 percent of them are not going to turn this off. They wonder, What is Pastor John going to say? And so I’m wondering that too. Only I get a chance to turn this off and think about it.

I’m going to focus on the young pastor himself, not just the seminary student or the apprentice. I know that’s where he is, but I’m just thinking about a young pastor. He comes right in — maybe he’s an associate or a youth pastor, or maybe he’s the senior pastor at age 27 or 28 — and he’s single, and he’d like to be married. What do I have to say to him? And I’m going to start and end with the glorious truth of God’s mysterious providence.

1. Believe in God’s providence.

There are two mysteries of God’s providence that I never cease to be amazed at. I’m amazed at all of them, but these two just blow me away. One is the mystery of how God in his providence calls people into full-time, vocational, Christian service in the church or on the mission field. How does that happen? This strikes me as astonishing and glorious. One year, here’s a person studying in school — maybe a junior, senior, or maybe high school, or maybe serving in a trade or a profession selling shoes, for example, like one of our missionaries did. And then ten years later, there they are — a devoted, full-time, lifelong missionary in a distant, hard place. How in the world did that happen? What did God do to make that happen?

The other mystery is how God in his providence brings a man and a woman together from who knows where — a thousand miles apart, ten thousand — in such a way that they come to know each other, trust each other, love each other so deeply that they get married and live together for sixty years. I look back on how I came to meet and fall in love with Noël, my wife, as a totally unexpected, undeserved, inexplicable gift of providence.

So, that’s where I’m starting. And I just want to say to young pastors, single pastors, believe that. Believe in the providence of God. He is up to something. Yes, he is, in ways you can’t even see.

2. Seek a ministry-minded woman.

The next thing I would say to this young pastor or aspiring pastor is that if a woman is put off by the thought of being a part of your full-time ministry, she’s not the right woman. You want a woman who will not just tolerate your calling, your burden, your passion, your risks in ministry, but a woman who loves the thought of throwing her life into that with you. This is what God has been making her to be. She wants to share that kind of life, walking on the edge of eternity — with all of its difficulties and risks and challenges.

And you can believe — yes, you can — God is raising up many such women in our day. He’s always been doing this — women who want to find and be found by a trustworthy, strong, kind lover of God who wants to live his life radically in the service of Christ. That’s what they want. She’s been dreaming about this. She wants to live that kind of life herself, and she would love to do it with a like-minded husband. Believe that; wait for that. She’s out there.

3. Ask for help from your church.

The third thing I would say is this: be realistic and mature and candid with your fellow church leaders — the older, mature, trusted fellow pastors or laypeople. Tell them how you’re thinking, how you’re feeling, how you’re hoping, and ask them to partner with you in praying and working toward a happy outcome of finding God’s woman for you. Now, if this sounds pragmatic rather than romantic, it is. Finding a compatible Christian spouse ought to be a practical community project involving family and church, not a secretive solitary quest. Just get over that. That’s not the way you need to think about it.

When I say “ask for their help,” I mean ask them first to pray. Oh my goodness. Over the last fifty years, I have prayed specifically with many young men especially. They’re the ones who feel most free, I think, to come forward after a service and tell me, “I want to be married. Would you pray with me?” And I prayed with them. All the ones I can remember are married. There’s no shame in this to go to a friend or a pastor and say, “Pray that God would lead me to the woman that I could spend my life with.”

“Lots of couples meet because they follow their ministry heart on some venture and discover each other in the process.”

And besides prayer, I mean ask your leaders for their counsel. Ask them to keep their eyes open in regards to their near and far networks. My wife kept her eyes open at our church for husbands, for example, for her sisters. And she introduced three of her sisters to the men they married at our church, and she did it very intentionally. This was quite intentional. Yes, it can be awkward, but it can be glorious. It can be glorious. Be a mature, confident young man. This will not be your last brush with awkwardness. So grow up, put your big boy pants on, and be confident that these folks are for you and can help you in this process.

4. Consider apps with caution.

The fourth thing I would say is that I’m not opposed in principle to dating apps. How you go about meeting a person is not nearly as crucial as how you go about discerning that person’s character. That’s another challenge, and it’s not going to happen on an app. But I would offer this caution: it seems to me that a pastor is a fairly public person, and the secrecy surrounding the use of dating apps could tarnish your reputation as one who wants to be totally candid with his church and especially with his leaders. Now, that’s not a veto — I don’t have a veto vote here against dating apps — but it is a caution. I would give preference to the open networks that you have rather than to secret ones.

5. Give yourself to ministry.

The fifth thing I would say is this: pursue various ministry ventures, like short-term mission trips (you might lead them or just go on them) or mercy-ministry ventures (hurricane in New Orleans, and your church packs a bus full and goes down to help put sandbags up or rescue houses) or educational tours where the nature of the venture might be self-selecting. In all these ministries that you go on, they might be self-selecting for the kind of woman that would go on it too. Lots of couples meet because they follow their ministry heart on some venture and discover each other in the process.

6. Rest in God’s providence.

And finally, I would return to God’s mysterious and wonderful providence.

I have seen God lead two people together in the most unlikely ways. For example, two people at our church both wanted to be in missions, both were single, and both wanted to be married. They didn’t know each other. They surrendered. They just said, “Okay, it’s over. We probably won’t get married.” They gave themselves utterly to the mission. Both of them were sent by various missions, posted to one of the hardest places on the globe. And guess what? They discovered each other there after they had basically surrendered and said, “Well, it didn’t happen at home. It’s sure not going to happen on the mission field.” And that was not true.

So, trust God’s mysterious providence. Focus on doing your ministry with all your might. Walk through the doors he puts in front of you. Pray without ceasing. And trust God’s good timing.